I didn’t watch the Oscars but I did judge the fashion: 2019 edition

Once again I did not watch the Oscars because most movies bore me.

But I like looking at fancy clothes. And I like judging things even more.

Dudes are mostly boring on the red carpet, so I kept it mostly to the ladies this time.

The Good

Billy Porter

LET’S GET THE ONLY DUDE OUTTA THE WAY.

Sumptuous fabric? Yes.

Prince-inspired sleeves? (The Artist? 15th century nobility? Does it matter?) Yes.

Accessorizing only with a cocktail ring and fierce expression? Hell to the yesss!!

I don’t know if this is a strapless velvet ballgown over a button-down with a matching jacket or if it’s all one piece but I am loving this gender-bending black tie Ursula look. Despite being a dress, it’s remarkably masculine.

Constance Wu

Constance looks like a modern age Belle, and Crazy Rich Asians is like a modern Beauty and the Beast: pretty girl from a poor family falls for a hot and sweet prince but she doesn’t know he’s a prince, she just thinks he’s hot and sweet, and then she becomes a princess? No? That’s not the plot of Beauty and the Beast?

Whatever. She still looks like a Disney princess. Like, everything about this look is perfect. The airy fabric, the minimal glam, the perfect shade of earthy red lip. THE TWIRL. This lady is having fun on the red carpet.

Jennifer Lopez

Oh fuck yeah. J-Lo looks like a sexy disco ball. You can see the red carpet on the underside of her boobies. She isn’t just on the red carpet – the red carpet is on HER.

This could be terrible (I mean though, could it really? Oh wait, yes. Molly Sims.) but the length, cut, and fit is high fashion.

Brie Larsen

Brie is an assassin sent to save the Oscars, armed only with her cunning and chain mail gown. The neckline and leg slit make this work for me.

KiKi Layne

Ahhhhh this is so pretty! I love how the poufy shoulder draws attention to the isolated boob. It’s simple, it’s complicated, architectural, it’s sculptural, it’s all of these, it’s none.

Lucy Boynton

Hello Old Hollywood! Va-va-voom! Lucy looks like a frosty starlet in this rich frock. I love the contrast of warm black velvet and cool purple satin. The sleeves are kinda weird but the neckline is perfection.

Helen Mirren

Helen, you are both my namesake AND a retro vision in this vintagey number. It’s youthful, it’s age-appropriate, it’s a carnival, it’s a red carpet, it’s everything that Helen is and inspires in people. I would have loved a hint of pink in her hair, but she decided to keep it classy.

Amandla Stenberg

Amandla is serving flapper realness and I am here for it. The fringe, the bodice, the locket in the décolletage – rawr.

I had to check how old she was – we’re cool, she’s 20, we can rawr her.

Octavia Spencer

This almost made the boring list (I HATE BLUE OKAY??), but instead it’s here because it’s just so elegant. The sweeping neckline. The draped sleeves. The midnight blue with little stars. She kept the jewelry minimal, and her smile lights up the sparkle of her dress. She just seems so genuine on the red carpet.

Queen Latifah

THE QUEEN has earned her crown. It’s got texture, it’s got shine, it’s got sparkle, it’s got a tasteful hint of shrouded cleave – this look is everything.

And her pinky heart ring awwwwwww

Maya Rudolph

In true Maya fashion, this is so bad it’s good. Nothing about this look should work. But is does! It really does!!!

Emelia Clarke

This look is good. Pleasant. Above average. It’s sparkly, it’s a fun color, it’s got some flair around the neckline, it fits her well. It’s elegant and red carpet appropriate without taking any real risk. I like it just fine. It could have landed on the boring list, but she kept it a little edgy with the brunette bob and forefinger ring.

Rachel Weisz

This is maybe a good transition piece into the BAD section, because at first glance Rachel reminded me of the Enema of the State nurse (I was thinking she wore red gloves, my bad) and that’s where she was headed, but then I realized that it’s FASHION and I just don’t get it.

It’s frilly, it’s fetish, it’s elegant, it’s dark. Rachel just seems so sweet in her Grecian tiara and her pretty face, but then the rest of the look is all Alexander McQueen or something.

The Bad

They tried, and I respect that. It’s still fashion.

Olivia Colman

Olivia may have won an Oscar, but she’s winning nothing for this outfit. Now, I love her. I loved her in Broadchurch, I loved her in the Simon Pegg movies, I loved her in that other thing I saw her in, but this look is 100% Cersei Lannister after the public shaming, before the pyrotechnics.

Lady Gaga

WTF IS UP WILL ALL THE DISNEY LOOKS? Gaga is looking like a hot Cruella De Ville about to strangle 101 puppies. This chick takes risks and that’s why we dig her. But as a person with extra-wide breeding hips that mean I will never be a size zero no matter how much I starve myself (AND BELIEVE ME, I HAVE STARVED MYSELF) I just can’t get around this look. Apologies to the queen.

Molly Sims

Molly came in like a wrecking ball in this number: apparently the disco look doesn’t always work. I know that Molly is like in her 40s, but LOOK AT HER: she’s a freaking supermodel, for Pete’s sake, and this dress is giving her a muffin top.

Ugh and the trainnnnnn – why do you want to drag along all that metal? J-Lo and Brie’s looks kept it to a column, and I think that’s where Molly’s really misses the mark.

Gemma Chan

This dress is a crash landing, but that’s okay because IT’S ALSO A BUBBLEGUM-COLORED PARACHUTE.

Like, I love the neckline – the frilled collar frames Gemma’s gorgeous face and deliberately messy updo perfectly. And yeah, it has pockets. The whole thing is one giant pocket. She’s probably hiding all Crazy Rich Asians cast members who didn’t get invites in there. I’m expecting Jimmy O. Yang to jump out, which would be delightful: I love Jimmy O. Yang.

But the armpits are weird, and the ruffles towards the bottom just look like a one of those frilly things you put on a bed to hide the bedspring. The bed ruffle thing. I’m too lazy to use one or look it up.

Sarah Paulson

No, Sarah! NO!! See above, except this dress has absolutely zero redeeming qualities. It is a bad pink. The ruffle around the neck looks like a bib. Is the Oscars the one they serve food at? I didn’t think it was but if I’m wrong, Sarah might be onto something. And what the Claire’s mall-ass crap is at the neckline?

AND THE CUT OUTS WHYYYYYYYY

Kasey Musgraves

At this point, there is an EPIDEMIC going around Hollywood. Symptoms include wearing large pink dresses with ruffles and weirdly tiered skirts. If you notice any of these symptoms, please go to your nearest mall and buy something that isn’t pink and ruffled.

Linda Cardellini

The frilly pink dress claims another victim! Linda nooooooooooooooo!

I actually kinda like this one. She looks like a raspberry loofah, or Big Bird’s smaller, reddish cousin. It doesn’t look like it should be a dress.

Emma Stone

After the success of the fish man movie at the Academy Awards last year, Emma decided to dress like a fish. She even has fins on her shoulders! I don’t think Emma eats much, so I’m hoping she didn’t eat a cat to get into the spirit.

I LOVE gold sequins, so it is very off-brand for me to criticize this. That’s how much I don’t like it. I don’t hate it, but I don’t like it.

Tessa Thompson

Tessa had a wardrobe malfunction this morning so the limo stopped at JoAnne on the way to the theater. A few yards of black velvet, some sequin ribbon, and a glue gun later, she was ready!! It’s hard to pee when you’re glue-gunned into a dress, so I hope Tessa has a strong bladder.

Awkwafina

Okay, in fairness, I like this look. But it’s bad. You know it’s bad. Maybe without the bow, maybe if the suit fit a little better, maybe if you could see her shoes.

I mean, she could have hooves instead of feet and no one would be any the wiser. When someone wears pants, I want to be assured that they have feet.

I don’t feel this way with dresses for some reason.

Emily Deschanel

*scrolls* oh, this is boring

*keeps scrolling* OH GOD NO

Aside from wondering why Dr. Bones is at the Oscars, I do love her. She’s so cute and pretty. But I’m also wondering why she’s dressed as a French Maid here.

Glenn Close

Glenn is SO CLOSE to a good look (oh I bet she hates that pun. At least you have a last name that is pun-worthy, okay, GLENN? MY LAST NAME IS SOMETHING THAT SOMEONE WOULD PAY RACHEL WEISZ TO DO WEARING THAT DRESS).

She has a few things going for her here: gold, shiny, dress weighs 42 pounds (very cool).

Buuuut she looks like she’s stumbled from the glens (DOUBLE PUN) of Rivendell, far, far from elven bliss. Scamper along, Glenn! Middle Earth is no place for a star child such as yourself!

 

The BORING

They didn’t try.

Regina King

Strapless neutral.

Laura Dern

David’s Bridal.

Leslie Bibb

OMG Someone forgot to tell Leslie to wear a dress!!! She’s naked!!!

Amy Poehler

Again. I want to see your feet. This look is safe while pretending to be radical. Sorry, Amy. Shoulda checked yourself before you Parks ‘n’ Rec’d yourself. Or Parks ‘n’ bored yourself.

Amy Adams

This look has a few redeeming qualities if you really pay attention to it (the neckline) but why would you pay attention to something so uninspiring? WHY IS IT ON SO MANY BEST LISTS

Marina De Tavira

At least it’s not pink.

Letitia Wright

Letitia is way too young to be dressing like the Mother of the Groom.

Laura Harrier

This dress makes me happy that I wore vintage to my 2001 prom. There’s just nothing interesting about that era.

Okay, I just read that this dress is made with eco-friendly materials, and now I feel like an asshole. Still is giving me flashbacks. I DON’T DANCE, OKAY?

Also, the guy I took to the prom (he asked me, but couldn’t drive so I drove us in my 1986 Jeep Grand Wagoneer) just had a baby with his wife. THAT is a weird feeling, amirite?

What were we talking about?

Ashley Graham

I. Hate. Strapless. Black. Dresses.

Allison Janney

She basically did what Billy did, except she’s a cis woman, so Allison – ya basic.

Melissa McCarthy

I’m not angry, just disappointed. Melissa, I expected more from you. I really did.

Michelle Yeoh

The fabric is stiff and weird, and the embroidery doesn’t really add anything, IMO.

Yalitza Aparicio

Yalitzia is gorgeous and she certainly can dress.

But this reminds me of a more mature homecoming dress. I could say something mean about the dress that the girlfriend of a guy I know wore to a wedding that I attended, but I won’t say anything, other than it reminded me of this dress.

I dunno: can’t decide if they’re good or bad

Charlize Theron

We get it: you’re a hot ice queen who will never look a day over 30. I want to love this look (the snake necklace). I want to like this look (the architectural shoulders! the cuffs!). I want to feel SOMETHING about this look (the red lip).

But I just can’t.

It’s light blue. It has a train. I dunno.

Danai Gurira

I do love Danai’s commitment to a theme. She looks like a Renaissance noblewoman: the billowy brocade, the corsetty belt, the hair and crown, the Mona Lisa smile. The color looks amazing on her, and she’s glowing as much as the fabric.

I just… always skip over the old stuff in museums.

Ehhhhhhhh the more I look at it, the more I like it. I dunno.

Jennifer Hudson

Jennifer looks sassy and confident in this spicy number. I love the color. The dress fits her really well. The shoulder-to-hip frill is swishy and fun.

But the dress can’t quite decide what it is, so neither can I. I dunno.