Not Jean-Claude Van Damme.

A guide to holiday gifts that don’t suck (or do kinda suck but what doesn’t suck)

Alternate title: pandemic presents, though honestly at this point, every day is a gift.

Alternate alternate title: make all of the quarantine shopping I’ve wasted time on this year work in your favor.

As always, I make 0% profit on anything listed on this blog and am probably somehow spending money by writing it.

A fucking face mask

Yeah you probably have a million face masks, but if you’ve been wearing the same cloth face masks since they started telling you to wear cloth face masks, science says you probably need to replace them.

I’ve been sewing hella masks for family, friends, and unsheltered folx this pandemic.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

• Cut up t-shirt strips make great ties if you want to save time and money or can’t find elastic
• Save the plastic coated wires that come around the cords of new electronic devices to sew into the bridge of the nose
• Learn how to sew curves.

Make a mask: Need a pattern? Here’s a foldy mask pattern for adults. Here’s a foldy mask pattern for kids. Here’s a form-fitting mask pattern that’s super customizable.

Buy a mask: Every retailer on the face of the planet has masks!! But I like this reminder to just stay alive, ‘cuz I am going to make it through this year if it kills me. It truly is a sick, sad world, and good health is GOLD.

Also, Public Goods has KN95s, which a doctor at my job says is basically an N95 but made in China so the FDA can’t claim that they work (or something like that).

Homemade stuff

Here are some simple gifts that the few friends I have left may be receiving:

1. Sriracha salt
2. Quilted slippers (much easier and faster than knitting slippers)
3. DIY heating pads
4. Felt stick unicorn
5. Easy sachiko (cool stitching style with origins in Japan)
6. Scrappy potholders
7. Easy blanket sweater
8. Coffee scrub
9. Crocheted fruit bat
10. Easy yarn-wrapped wall decor

Support an artist

1. Dinosaur mugs!
2. Strange and lovely things
3. Sweet and lovely things
4. Cute and weird mugs, prints, fabric, and more
5. Prints of kitschy hotel rooms
6. Painterly portraits on clay
7. Gorgeous functional pottery
8. Real life drawn on clay
9. Possums + tMG 4eva
10. Is their favorite tattoo artist doing prints or clothing? Buy that!

Vintage things I love but did not buy

1. Dad mug
2. 70s floral lunchbox
3. It’s a globe, it’s a clock, it’s a combination globe clock
4. Lobster brooch
5. Beautiful and expensive gold charm
6. Cast iron German shepherd
7. Sunny yellow sunnies
8. Owl book ends
9. Siamese cat salt and pepper shakers
10. Eifel Tower pocket knife

Measurement conversion magnets

Are we even in a pandemic if you’re not spending hella time in the kitchen?? Do you know how many cups are in a quart? How many pints are in a gallon? How many pints are in a quart? How many quarts are in a gallon?

How course you don’t! The American measurement system is stupid. Get yourself and your loved ones a handy dandy conversion chart for your fridge.

Mine have a German Shepherd on them.

Period underwear

That shit is expensive! There’s nothing fun about periods (actually, it is kinda fun to recreate Psycho in the shower pouring out your menstrual cup) but it’s nice to have backup.

I love my pair of Thinx (the hip hugger) and am gonna invest in more. Good Housekeeping has recs but for the love of god, don’t shop Amazon. (And if you must, use AmazonSmile to support your favorite nonprofit.)

Rechargable hand warmers

Socialize inside and you might die. Stay inside alone all winter and you will cry.

I hate being cold and my hands are always cold. Rechargeable hand warmers to the rescue! I can’t find the ones I bought from REI on their site any more so here’s a link to some that Bustle recommends.

A bidet

Confession: I’ve never used a bidet. I did accidentally turn one on at a dude’s house thinking it was the flusher, but it didn’t land anywhere near my butt, as I was not sitting on the toilet at the time.

But we all remember the Great TP Shortage of March and clench our buttholes a little tighter.

So here’s a list of bidets to consider.

And, come to think of it, I have peed in a Toto, which was a warm and lovely experience.

Actually, now that we’re on the subject, I would definitely like this gold-flecked toilet seat, which serves absolutely no purpose in a pandemic other than to look good.

And if someone just gave me a toilet paper bouquet, or heck just an 18-pack with a bow on it, I wouldn’t complain.

An AED

No this is not a joke.

I don’t miss much about going into the office each day but I do miss knowing where the AED (automated external defibrillator) is on every floor in case someone goes into cardiac arrest. You can do CPR on someone until you’re blue in the face (or, more likely, they’re blue in the face… cuz they’re dead) but an AED is the only thing that can restart a stopped heart.

First aid, bitches!!

Even refurbished AEDs are expensive but can you put a price on life??

The only rain jacket that isn’t hideous

The most fashionable people I know in Seattle stay dry the Swedish way: with meatballs.

Just kidding: in Stutterheim.

Beware: these raincoats run really large. And probably by the time I know about something, they’re going out of style. But whatever.

A fake fur blanket

I would like to wrap myself in fake fur forever thank you.

Nothing but flowers

So, yes, because I am basic, I have gotten into plants this year!! It helps that I’m home all the time and actually remember to water them.

If you don’t have a green thumb, you can still have a flower finger with a birth (or favorite) flower ring. I’m born in March but daffodils are stupid so August it is.

Do you love flowers so much you could squish them? It will be Spring again soon and your loved ones probably need a new hobby: I took so many photos of flowers this spring that my camera roll looks like the Midsommar poster. (Haven’t seen that movie but it looks really romantic and fun!!)

Or go wild(flowers) with a flower wall for your Zoom calls, because regular walls are boring! Which brings us into our next category…

Home office make-over

We’re going to be working from home forever, so make your home office count

Tech has a harsh vibe, so I keep my desk retro-friendly with a pastel pink wireless keyboard, bluetooth speaker disguised as an old radio, and mod laptop sleeve, which are things I love so much I’m sure your loved ones will too!

Pickle Pipe

No, not talking about the green sort of pickle pipe, but it’s cool if that’s your jam. I’m talking FERMENTATION, BABY!! Silicone airlocks for making your own sauerkraut and kimchi in mason jars.

Cuz are you even quarantining if you haven’t pickled anything? Or poisoned yourself and/or roommate with botulism?? Jk, that’s what this tool is for!

Less terrible towels

Honestly, most bath towels make me sad. Like, no matter how new or plush plain cotton terry towels are, they all just look like ratty dude dorm towels.

So I bought myself some pretty patterned bath towels from Anthropologie, which was an instant showertime boost. Buuuuut Anthro isn’t exactly the most ethical store.

Made Trade has some pretty towels. Coyuchi has some that are fine. This shop on Etsy says their towels are ethically made.

They just don’t make them like they used to.

Also, pro-tip, Society 6 has nice patterns but I’ve fallen for their hand towels in the past and won’t do it again; they look and feel cheap. It’s not libel if it’s an opinion and/or it’s the truth. “Your honor, the defense presents this cheap towel that looked promising but is actually stupid.” I recommended something else from your store in this post, leave me alone!!

A Goblincore Christmas

If you’re less elf on a shelf and more troll in a hole, here’s some shiny nature cozy weirdness for your tree. Or for your walls and knobs if you’re a Scrooge like me.

• Possum, with or without Santa hat
• Bone terrarium
• Insect taxidermy (another DIY)
• Frog
• Mushroom
• Frog on a mushroom
• Snail child
• Agate
• Snail on agate
• Possum on agate

For your big-ass dog

Look, there are so many cute clothing options for small to large dogs out there.

It’s hard to find clothes that fit a 95-lb dog, but an LL Bean XL sweater is actually an XL (according to my sample size of one). Same goes for this Land’s End jacket that I think makes him look like a wealthy polar explorer or a software developer when Seattle dips below 50 degrees.

My pup would honestly be happy with a couple of dirty tennis balls, but he asked Grandma for a life jacket because safety first.

My friend’s dog came with a Fi Smart Collar and GPS to track every movement like a Canine Big Brother and they’re super happy with it.

And secretly Barry wants a Stutterheim rain jacket. (I mean, don’t we all?) Hopefully the dog sizing skews as large as their people sizing.

What are you gifting people this sick, sad holiday season?

I recently sat in on a training based on Patrick Lencioni’s Five Dysfunctions of a Team and The Advantage.

The first couple of slides were on “assume positive intent” and openness to building relationships.

And honestly, my lived experience makes me wary of both of these things.

A colleague with blindness recently shared an article on how assuming positive intent actually undermines people who face bias in the workplace.

For example, I am pretty consistently mansplained to. Even men who I consider friends or equals offer advice that is or verges on insulting.

I know that their intent is positive: they want to help and inform me, but it ignores or overlooks my own experience and knowledge. It assumes that I don’t know, that I couldn’t possibly know.

This looks like everything from four of my male college friends telling me that women pee out of their vaginas, or more recently, a fellow vanpool member telling me how to drive (“be careful, people go down that hill [that you turn onto every day] really fast.” “turn your lights on in the tunnel.”)

Or they try to answer questions I didn’t ask, assuming I can’t see the big picture.

I was tasked with producing a podcast at work last year. Not knowing where to start, I brought a bunch of ideas to my team to help me narrow them down. One man, a director of strategy, would not acknowledge my very specific question, asking only, “how are you going to measure the results?”

Buddy, the result is that your boss wants a podcast. (But yes I have and will continue to think about this. OBVIOUSLY.)

And I’ve talked AT LENGTH about the manipulative, creepy vibes dude at work who wanted to feel better about himself by taking on me, a 34-year-old woman from Silicon Valley with an established communications career and a Masters of… Communication, as a Women in Tech project. (But only if I proved I really needed him.)

These things don’t happen every day, but it happens enough to notice and feel the effects.

An extreme example of this is a study-abroad classmate who had a mental breakdown. He started messaging me on Facebook with these really out there conspiracy theories (“Obama has a machine that he uses to control the weather.” “Obama wants a race war.” “I am in communication with the governments of 22 nations.” “the authorities want to keep me from my girlfriend.”) but the tone of it all was teacher (him) and pupil (me).

At first I thought it was amusing, and then I got a little scared. He saw me as some sort of secret confidant to pass his wisdom along to. Since he clearly thought he and I had a relationship that we didn’t have, and he wasn’t firing on all cylinders, who was to say that he wasn’t going to show up on my doorstep to have an in-person session?

Personal safety concerns aside, he talked about politicians a lot. He disliked Maria Cantwell in particular. A smart mutual acquaintance told me that this aspect of his paranoia was possibly true, the authorities could have been tracking him, but I sorta wanted to keep an eye on the situation. If he was confiding things in me, I could at least let someone know if there was a problem. It seems arrogant to put myself in this position now, but aside from reporting him to the police or FBI and (worst case) risk getting a mentally ill man shot, I didn’t really know what to do.

Eventually, I hid his messages, and checked them less and less frequently.

This went on for a year. An. entire. year. of daily messaging with no response from me.

Eventually I found his brother, messaged him, and ended up just blocking the friend altogether, knowing he was being monitored by family.

Was this the best course of action? I don’t know, but that’s not the point.

The point is that this weird thing randomly happened with a friend that put him (in his mind at least) in a position of higher power than me. If it happened once, who’s to say it couldn’t happen again? I locked down my Facebook privacy as a result.

Okay. So that’s intent. And intent also relates to the “openness to building relationships” aspect of the training.

And here’s the thing: I am approachable. I’m slim but am of average (or maybe less than) attractiveness. I hate awkward silence, and while shy and very introverted, like to engage in friendly conversation.

This friendliness gets misinterpreted by shy, introverted dudes as interest.

And what’s more: she’s kinda ugly so she’s actually attainable! Huzzah!

Now, “shy and introverted” applies to a lot of dudes in the vegan community. I would go to a vegan event, meet a boy, who would then friend me on Facebook, and either start commenting on my posts or messaging me. Eventually there would be a suggestion to grab dinner or something.

This happened once, and then twice, and then three times, and then a fourth.

I kinda stopped going to vegan events because of this. There’s nothing wrong with meeting someone and wanting to date them, but when there’s a predictable pattern, you learn to avoid it.

You know who else is shy and introverted? Tech Dudes!

Again, the manipulative, creepy vibes dude at work started as a randomly selected interviewee for persona building, and then quickly went to asking me to lunch every week and hitting me up on Slack after I thought he would be good to have as a professional connection.

Or the very nice dude who I met in a work-sponsored First Aid class, and sorta used that class as a foot in the door. He’s super nice… but isn’t in my group, isn’t in my field, and just wanted to talk about personal stuff. (Which is fine, I love that shit, but only when I know someone’s end game.)

I’m sure there are other examples of all of these things, but these are the ones that have stuck with me.

And I’m lucky: 1 out of 5 American women as been sexually assaulted. I’m (knock on wood) very fortunate that this hasn’t happened to me.

I’m hella privileged too: as a cis white woman, I know I’m spared a lot of the misery of my trans, POC, and other marginalized/combination of marginalized sisters.

So, I brought this up in the training: how do you factor unconscious social biases into blanket advice for professional situations? How can I assume positive intent when the impact often hurts me so much? How can I just be open to grabbing coffee with someone when I’ve had this turn so badly?

A pretty influential VP was in the room, and his response was essentially, “why can’t you just take the criticism? Aren’t you open to feedback? If someone wants to help, they just want to help!”

The look on his face was, “where do you get off thinking you’re hot stuff that everyone wants to bone?”

Aaaaaaand another dude chimed in with how to better accept feedback and appreciate it, before my new best dude work friend told them that it was actually all of their jobs as men to be better.

The session moved on, until we got to the actual feedback part. The facilitator (a man) said, “And Helen brought up accepting feedback earlier.”

THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID, I said.

Again, my new best dude work friend (the bar for white men is so low but this dude is actually that cool) stepped in to say “Helen was talking about the advice form of catcalling,” which is my new favorite term for unwanted, unsolicited, unneeded, actually offensive advice.

ANYHOW, I guess one point of this is that everyone in leadership needs bias training.

And tools like Facebook and Slack make it easier to communicate but also reeeeally easy to slide into someone’s life. Don’t.

And OMG REAL ALLIES ARE SO IMPORTANT.

And that it shouldn’t matter if someone had one exceptionally awful experience or a million: one is enough.

I liken it to ANOTHER EXPERIENCE OF DUDES BEING TERRIBLE a while back in Peru with three lady friends. A little tipsy off of beach beers, we decided to walk through a relatively abandoned part of the town to get to the main square. There was no one around, so I had my DSLR around my neck (stupid).

Two men walked past us, said hi (in Spanish)… and a minute later returned to rob us. I felt a tug as one of them tried to yank my camera from my neck.

Being tipsy and not so smart (did not check for a knife), I grabbed on to the camera (my vacation memories!!) while my two Peruvian friends yelled for help. My American friend tried to fight one but was too tipsy to make contact and swung around. We still laugh about it.

The struggle stopped and they ran away with my friend’s Blackberry, before throwing it back at us as our brave American friend chased after them. After spending the afternoon in a tiny police station, we got an armed escort back to our house.

I got a small knick on my hand out of it, but was otherwise physically unharmed.

However, to this day, if I’m walking down an empty street and a man passes me, I get pretty agitated. I carry pepper spray and have an intimidating dog, but you just never know what split-second decision a stranger is going to make.

It makes sense that one altercation with a stranger (does it count as mugging if they didn’t take anything?) would modify your perception, right?

Then why is it that I have to prove that no, I don’t think I’m hot shit (the opposite, actually: just plain old approachable shit.) and yes, this actually happens frequently and impactfully enough to warrant caution but one single time should be enough?

Believe what people tell you. Don’t let your biases get in the way of someone else’s lived experience. If you think someone is talking about gender, disability, racism, etc in the workplace too much, maybe this actually means something. The issue might be with you.

There seems to be a current cultural obsession with all things Disney. It’s the 23rd most loved brand in America (14th for American women).

Sorry to burst your bubble, peeps: Disney sucks.

Look, it’s boring to badmouth someone else’s interests just because you don’t find them appealing (“don’t yuck someone else’s yum,” etc.). I get it.

But cultural critique is important in the world we live in.

So hold on to your mouse ears…

1. The Disney princess trope is harmful to girls

Someday, my prince will come! Except when he doesn’t. Many little girls identify with princess culture, as epitomized by Disney movies, but studies show that princess culture is harmful to girls.

In summary, princess culture:

1. teaches girls that beauty is their most important asset
2. reinforces body image issues
3. conditions stereotypically feminine behavior
4. reinforces outdated gender roles
5. does not change behavior for the better

What if your prince never comes? What if you don’t want a prince? What if you actually want a princess but you’ve been told you should want a prince? What if you are the prince? Why are we teaching tiny children about romance and marriage at all?

What if you aren’t the fairest in all the land? What if you aren’t able to make a dude fall in love with you without your voice or consciousness or even a pulse? WHAT THEN?

What if you don’t want any of this? What if you just want to keep on sleeping for another hundred years??? Seriously, WHY WOULD YOU WAKE UP A SLEEPING STRANGER WITH A NON-CONSENSUAL KISS?? SLEEP IS THE BEST!!!

And if you don’t really care about women, 1) fuck you 2) while young boys find Disney princess culture to be empowering because it’s so different from the toxically masculine options generally targeted at them, Disney stereotypes of masculinity are harmful to men, too.

2. Disney borrowed fairy tales then changed US copyright law

Copyrights in the US last for a long ass time. Ever wondered why waiters at cheesy restaurants in movies (until 2016) always serenade the protagonist (until 2016) with some bonkers birthday song (until 2016) that literally no one sings, ever? It’s not just wacky shenanigans and pieces of flair: “Happy Birthday” was copyrighted until 2016.

I’m not arguing against copyright: it protects the artistic expression of ideas, and ensures that artists, musicians, and other creative minds (who are often screwed over) get their dues.

But Disney is in it for themselves.

According to an actual lawyer,

“…5 years before Mickey Mouse’s copyright was set to expire, Congress changed the scheme again. In 1998, Congress passed the Sonny Bono Copyright Term Extension Act of 1998, which lengthened copyrights for works created on or after January 1, 1978 to “life of the author plus 70 years,” and extends copyrights for corporate works to 95 years from the year of first publication, or 120 years from the year of creation, whichever expires first. Once again, Mickey Mouse’s copyright protection lived to fight another day. Now, Mickey’s copyright will not expire until 2023… The question is: what will Disney do now? Disney would not possibly allow its most famous character to go into the public domain, would it?

Whatever. I get it. Protect your assets.

BUT DISNEY HAS BUILT IT’S EMPIRE ON THE PUBLIC DOMAIN. Fairytales, man!! Disney took advantage of America’s previously lax copyright laws to get started, then changed the laws to their advantage.

Again, whatever. Except they’re consistently dicks about it:

Disney threatened to sue childcare centers for having pictures of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck on the wall; Disney once sued a couple on public assistance for $1 million when they appeared at children’s parties dressed as an orange tiger and a blue donkey; Disney sent takedown notices to social media services upon users posting photographs of their new Star Wars toys; and so forth.

So, copyright is 100% cool when it protects the people who need protecting, but not when a gazillion dollar company uses it to screw over…checks notes…children and the needy.

Unless of course, it’s profitable to turn the other cheek.

Thank goodness for Fair Use.

3. Walt Disney blacklisted film industry workers during the Red Scare of the 1940s

As a Russian Studies major and nerd about Cold War history, this one is my favorite.

Walt Disney eagerly testified against a group of workers to J. Edgar Hoover’s House UnAmerican Activities Committee (HUAC) in 1947, claiming they were behind a strike at his studio, effectively ending their careers in animation.

Were these workers communists? Maybe. Yeah. Some of them. But no one likes a narc.

He was also anti-union, and this distrust of “politically motivated labor unions” continues with labor violations in mouseland to this day.

It’s no real surprise Disney was so anti-Communist: “’Disneyland was, and still is, a mall.'” The whole premise is to part parkgoers with their money. Capitalism is at its core.

Which is funny because…

4. Disney is leading us to a scary era of media conglomeration

Disney owns Pixar, Fox Network, franchises like Marvel and Star Ways, and 60% all of Hulu.

This is dangerous. Do you know what happens when a few entities control all the media?

Now that Fox is part of Disney, it’s hard to imagine that we’re not heading toward a universe where essentially all the major media companies in the world are owned by three or maybe four parent companies. And while the most obvious concerns surrounding that possibility stem from how news might take on corporate interests, there are a host of others that range from the political to the artistic.

It’s basically the capitalism equivalent of communist state TV. It’s the radio in my study abroad friend’s Stalin-era apartment in motherflippin’ Russia that you could not turn off, just all the way down.

And Mr. Disney himself recognized the value of film as propaganda.

Mr. SMITH: From those pictures that you made have you any opinion as to whether or not the films can be used effectively to disseminate propaganda?

Mr. DISNEY: Yes, I think they proved that.

Sure, they may not participate in blatant government propaganda again, but if they control the media, they control the message.

Fox News (not owned by Disney, it’s confusing) already has too much of a hold on America. It’s scary.

So yeah. Disney sucks.

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED on how the Disney Vault serves as a means to inflate demand by artificially lowering supply.

Or how he kinda screwed over the actress who voiced Snow White.

Or how the Peter Pan ride is terrifying as fuck.

Or how so many people (like certain family members of mine in Central Michigan) only venture outside of their rural white Christian homogenous bubbles for annual trips to “Disney.”

As Mark Twain said, “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.”

Travel is 100% a privilege, but most people need to be exposed to different cultures and lifestyles for the good of humanity, when possible.

My extended family works really hard and doesn’t have a lot of money, so I get why they want this manufactured happiness in a place they can drive (20 hours) to. But they aren’t truly experiencing people different from themselves at a theme park, and I know they need this additional perspective.

(I unfriended them all on Facebook a while back, so maybe this has changed.)

For the amount of money my cousin pays to take her family to Disney World resort every year, several times a year, I can only imagine that a trip to New York, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Washington DC, or literally anywhere else would be similarly priced.

Plus at the end of the day, it’s all fake. The blue pill of vacation. An illusion, Michael.

I can confirm: I saw Cinderella smoking a cigarette on a behind-the-scenes tour during a high school trip to Disneyland.

Kinda ruined the magic.

Oh shit – was I supposed to add a TM to Cinderella?

Once again I did not watch the Oscars because most movies bore me.

But I like looking at fancy clothes. And I like judging things even more.

Dudes are mostly boring on the red carpet, so I kept it mostly to the ladies this time.

The Good

Billy Porter

LET’S GET THE ONLY DUDE OUTTA THE WAY.

Sumptuous fabric? Yes.

Prince-inspired sleeves? (The Artist? 15th century nobility? Does it matter?) Yes.

Accessorizing only with a cocktail ring and fierce expression? Hell to the yesss!!

I don’t know if this is a strapless velvet ballgown over a button-down with a matching jacket or if it’s all one piece but I am loving this gender-bending black tie Ursula look. Despite being a dress, it’s remarkably masculine.

Constance Wu

Constance looks like a modern age Belle, and Crazy Rich Asians is like a modern Beauty and the Beast: pretty girl from a poor family falls for a hot and sweet prince but she doesn’t know he’s a prince, she just thinks he’s hot and sweet, and then she becomes a princess? No? That’s not the plot of Beauty and the Beast?

Whatever. She still looks like a Disney princess. Like, everything about this look is perfect. The airy fabric, the minimal glam, the perfect shade of earthy red lip. THE TWIRL. This lady is having fun on the red carpet.

Jennifer Lopez

Oh fuck yeah. J-Lo looks like a sexy disco ball. You can see the red carpet on the underside of her boobies. She isn’t just on the red carpet – the red carpet is on HER.

This could be terrible (I mean though, could it really? Oh wait, yes. Molly Sims.) but the length, cut, and fit is high fashion.

Brie Larsen

Brie is an assassin sent to save the Oscars, armed only with her cunning and chain mail gown. The neckline and leg slit make this work for me.

KiKi Layne

Ahhhhh this is so pretty! I love how the poufy shoulder draws attention to the isolated boob. It’s simple, it’s complicated, architectural, it’s sculptural, it’s all of these, it’s none.

Lucy Boynton

Hello Old Hollywood! Va-va-voom! Lucy looks like a frosty starlet in this rich frock. I love the contrast of warm black velvet and cool purple satin. The sleeves are kinda weird but the neckline is perfection.

Helen Mirren

Helen, you are both my namesake AND a retro vision in this vintagey number. It’s youthful, it’s age-appropriate, it’s a carnival, it’s a red carpet, it’s everything that Helen is and inspires in people. I would have loved a hint of pink in her hair, but she decided to keep it classy.

Amandla Stenberg

Amandla is serving flapper realness and I am here for it. The fringe, the bodice, the locket in the décolletage – rawr.

I had to check how old she was – we’re cool, she’s 20, we can rawr her.

Octavia Spencer

This almost made the boring list (I HATE BLUE OKAY??), but instead it’s here because it’s just so elegant. The sweeping neckline. The draped sleeves. The midnight blue with little stars. She kept the jewelry minimal, and her smile lights up the sparkle of her dress. She just seems so genuine on the red carpet.

Queen Latifah

THE QUEEN has earned her crown. It’s got texture, it’s got shine, it’s got sparkle, it’s got a tasteful hint of shrouded cleave – this look is everything.

And her pinky heart ring awwwwwww

Maya Rudolph

In true Maya fashion, this is so bad it’s good. Nothing about this look should work. But is does! It really does!!!

Emelia Clarke

This look is good. Pleasant. Above average. It’s sparkly, it’s a fun color, it’s got some flair around the neckline, it fits her well. It’s elegant and red carpet appropriate without taking any real risk. I like it just fine. It could have landed on the boring list, but she kept it a little edgy with the brunette bob and forefinger ring.

Rachel Weisz

This is maybe a good transition piece into the BAD section, because at first glance Rachel reminded me of the Enema of the State nurse (I was thinking she wore red gloves, my bad) and that’s where she was headed, but then I realized that it’s FASHION and I just don’t get it.

It’s frilly, it’s fetish, it’s elegant, it’s dark. Rachel just seems so sweet in her Grecian tiara and her pretty face, but then the rest of the look is all Alexander McQueen or something.

The Bad

They tried, and I respect that. It’s still fashion.

Olivia Colman

Olivia may have won an Oscar, but she’s winning nothing for this outfit. Now, I love her. I loved her in Broadchurch, I loved her in the Simon Pegg movies, I loved her in that other thing I saw her in, but this look is 100% Cersei Lannister after the public shaming, before the pyrotechnics.

Lady Gaga

WTF IS UP WILL ALL THE DISNEY LOOKS? Gaga is looking like a hot Cruella De Ville about to strangle 101 puppies. This chick takes risks and that’s why we dig her. But as a person with extra-wide breeding hips that mean I will never be a size zero no matter how much I starve myself (AND BELIEVE ME, I HAVE STARVED MYSELF) I just can’t get around this look. Apologies to the queen.

Molly Sims

Molly came in like a wrecking ball in this number: apparently the disco look doesn’t always work. I know that Molly is like in her 40s, but LOOK AT HER: she’s a freaking supermodel, for Pete’s sake, and this dress is giving her a muffin top.

Ugh and the trainnnnnn – why do you want to drag along all that metal? J-Lo and Brie’s looks kept it to a column, and I think that’s where Molly’s really misses the mark.

Gemma Chan

This dress is a crash landing, but that’s okay because IT’S ALSO A BUBBLEGUM-COLORED PARACHUTE.

Like, I love the neckline – the frilled collar frames Gemma’s gorgeous face and deliberately messy updo perfectly. And yeah, it has pockets. The whole thing is one giant pocket. She’s probably hiding all Crazy Rich Asians cast members who didn’t get invites in there. I’m expecting Jimmy O. Yang to jump out, which would be delightful: I love Jimmy O. Yang.

But the armpits are weird, and the ruffles towards the bottom just look like a one of those frilly things you put on a bed to hide the bedspring. The bed ruffle thing. I’m too lazy to use one or look it up.

Sarah Paulson

No, Sarah! NO!! See above, except this dress has absolutely zero redeeming qualities. It is a bad pink. The ruffle around the neck looks like a bib. Is the Oscars the one they serve food at? I didn’t think it was but if I’m wrong, Sarah might be onto something. And what the Claire’s mall-ass crap is at the neckline?

AND THE CUT OUTS WHYYYYYYYY

Kasey Musgraves

At this point, there is an EPIDEMIC going around Hollywood. Symptoms include wearing large pink dresses with ruffles and weirdly tiered skirts. If you notice any of these symptoms, please go to your nearest mall and buy something that isn’t pink and ruffled.

Linda Cardellini

The frilly pink dress claims another victim! Linda nooooooooooooooo!

I actually kinda like this one. She looks like a raspberry loofah, or Big Bird’s smaller, reddish cousin. It doesn’t look like it should be a dress.

Emma Stone

After the success of the fish man movie at the Academy Awards last year, Emma decided to dress like a fish. She even has fins on her shoulders! I don’t think Emma eats much, so I’m hoping she didn’t eat a cat to get into the spirit.

I LOVE gold sequins, so it is very off-brand for me to criticize this. That’s how much I don’t like it. I don’t hate it, but I don’t like it.

Tessa Thompson

Tessa had a wardrobe malfunction this morning so the limo stopped at JoAnne on the way to the theater. A few yards of black velvet, some sequin ribbon, and a glue gun later, she was ready!! It’s hard to pee when you’re glue-gunned into a dress, so I hope Tessa has a strong bladder.

Awkwafina

Okay, in fairness, I like this look. But it’s bad. You know it’s bad. Maybe without the bow, maybe if the suit fit a little better, maybe if you could see her shoes.

I mean, she could have hooves instead of feet and no one would be any the wiser. When someone wears pants, I want to be assured that they have feet.

I don’t feel this way with dresses for some reason.

Emily Deschanel

*scrolls* oh, this is boring

*keeps scrolling* OH GOD NO

Aside from wondering why Dr. Bones is at the Oscars, I do love her. She’s so cute and pretty. But I’m also wondering why she’s dressed as a French Maid here.

Glenn Close

Glenn is SO CLOSE to a good look (oh I bet she hates that pun. At least you have a last name that is pun-worthy, okay, GLENN? MY LAST NAME IS SOMETHING THAT SOMEONE WOULD PAY RACHEL WEISZ TO DO WEARING THAT DRESS).

She has a few things going for her here: gold, shiny, dress weighs 42 pounds (very cool).

Buuuut she looks like she’s stumbled from the glens (DOUBLE PUN) of Rivendell, far, far from elven bliss. Scamper along, Glenn! Middle Earth is no place for a star child such as yourself!

The BORING

They didn’t try.

Regina King

Strapless neutral.

Laura Dern

David’s Bridal.

Leslie Bibb

OMG Someone forgot to tell Leslie to wear a dress!!! She’s naked!!!

Amy Poehler

Again. I want to see your feet. This look is safe while pretending to be radical. Sorry, Amy. Shoulda checked yourself before you Parks ‘n’ Rec’d yourself. Or Parks ‘n’ bored yourself.

Amy Adams

This look has a few redeeming qualities if you really pay attention to it (the neckline) but why would you pay attention to something so uninspiring? WHY IS IT ON SO MANY BEST LISTS

Marina De Tavira

At least it’s not pink.

Letitia Wright

Letitia is way too young to be dressing like the Mother of the Groom.

Laura Harrier

This dress makes me happy that I wore vintage to my 2001 prom. There’s just nothing interesting about that era.

Okay, I just read that this dress is made with eco-friendly materials, and now I feel like an asshole. Still is giving me flashbacks. I DON’T DANCE, OKAY?

Also, the guy I took to the prom (he asked me, but couldn’t drive so I drove us in my 1986 Jeep Grand Wagoneer) just had a baby with his wife. THAT is a weird feeling, amirite?

What were we talking about?

Ashley Graham

I. Hate. Strapless. Black. Dresses.

Allison Janney

She basically did what Billy did, except she’s a cis woman, so Allison – ya basic.

Melissa McCarthy

I’m not angry, just disappointed. Melissa, I expected more from you. I really did.

Michelle Yeoh

The fabric is stiff and weird, and the embroidery doesn’t really add anything, IMO.

Yalitza Aparicio

Yalitzia is gorgeous and she certainly can dress.

But this reminds me of a more mature homecoming dress. I could say something mean about the dress that the girlfriend of a guy I know wore to a wedding that I attended, but I won’t say anything, other than it reminded me of this dress.

I dunno: can’t decide if they’re good or bad

Charlize Theron

We get it: you’re a hot ice queen who will never look a day over 30. I want to love this look (the snake necklace). I want to like this look (the architectural shoulders! the cuffs!). I want to feel SOMETHING about this look (the red lip).

But I just can’t.

It’s light blue. It has a train. I dunno.

Danai Gurira

I do love Danai’s commitment to a theme. She looks like a Renaissance noblewoman: the billowy brocade, the corsetty belt, the hair and crown, the Mona Lisa smile. The color looks amazing on her, and she’s glowing as much as the fabric.

I just… always skip over the old stuff in museums.

Ehhhhhhhh the more I look at it, the more I like it. I dunno.

Jennifer Hudson

Jennifer looks sassy and confident in this spicy number. I love the color. The dress fits her really well. The shoulder-to-hip frill is swishy and fun.

But the dress can’t quite decide what it is, so neither can I. I dunno.

In November, I had some interactions with this dude at work that left me oddly shaken.

He didn’t assault me or do anything I could even report to HR, but it shows the power that microaggressions (and the patriarchy) can have on our psyche.

Each tiny cut, innocuous on its own, eventually add up to something painful.

I’m sick of being angry about it, so I decided to channel my emotions into a blog post to see if I could put it to rest.

It’s a long one.

As background, I work as an internal communications manager for one of the divisions (~4400 people) of a large (20,000+ people) company. I find business-related stories to write about and interesting people to profile to hopefully make everyone feel more connected to their own jobs. In theory, if I do my job right, they feel happier and more fulfilled.

I am 34 years old. I know my shit and generally like my 10+ year career.

I enjoy that I get to constantly learn about new topics, meet interesting people, and pick up new skills, and there are a lot of real skills and knowledge required: software, editing, video and audio equipment, copyright laws, photography, HTML, grammar, strategy, interviewing, diplomacy.

So, interviewing and people skills. This is where this guy comes in. I’m not going to give him a name because honestly, he could be any dude. He’s not any dude (most dudes are cool), but he could be.

Just like I could be any woman: I don’t have a bangin’ body, a pretty face, or even a dazzling personality. I’m profoundly normal.

Not all men but yes all women.

Okay.

About a year ago, I interviewed this guy about his media consumption habits to improve my team’s messaging techniques. Pretty standard comms stuff. My colleague randomly selected him based on his location, job family, and title.

He was a little hostile at first, but that wasn’t too surprising: his group is large, has its own identity, and overall doesn’t really engage with our content.

By the end of the meeting, I felt like he was hitting on me, but whatever. He said he thought I was going to be this buttoned up marketing tool, but I was a real person. I was flattered by this.

He emailed me a few weeks later to see if I want to get some coffee, but I was pretty busy at the time and didn’t really want to, so I didn’t get back to him.

A year later, I’m running a morale-building event in his building and we reconnect. I see he’s wearing a wedding ring, and he wants to take some of the props home for his kids. Whew, he’s harmless! I say yeah, it would be great to get lunch.

So, death by tiny cuts.

I pretty much eat salad or Chipotle every day (“wow, you need to get out more”) so I let him pick where to go.

We talk, and he has a really interesting, not-your-typical-tech-worker background; I think this is one reason why I kept giving him chances.

Tiny cut 1: It was hot in the restaurant, so I took off my cardigan. He asked me towards the end of the hour to explain every one of the six small tattoos on my upper arms.

I’m trying not to be sheepish about it or let see how uncomfortable him examining my body made me feel. They’re just arms. He’s married. He’s just being nice.

But after one tattoo, he asks me about the next one. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one.

One of them is an eye, and he notes that the tattoo is bluer than my eyes, after analysis of both.

Tiny cut 2: I think he paid, though I insisted on getting my own meal, but whatever, let’s not make it awkward. I’ll get the next one, I say.

Tiny cut 3: On the walk back, he was like, you kept ignoring my messages (plural – I only ignored one) so it’s nice that we were able to get lunch. He messaged me later to say he wouldn’t talk about himself so much next time.

Tiny cut 4: I thought it would be one and done, but he starts asking me to lunch every week. Not a big deal, I think – he told me he likes getting out of the office and using lunch to network. I make up reasons not to go but eventually know I’m going to  agree.

Tiny cut 5: I met up with a friend in his building one day, and saw him going to lunch with another young woman. Maybe a coincidence, but he seems like like hanging out with the ladies. Hmmm.

Going back to tiny cut 3: I agree to get lunch again, and he teases me about ignoring another invite to do something with him (I did not, because there was no other invite to do something). Gaslighting much?

Going back to tiny cut 2: He paid. “it’s okay, we’re not keeping score!”

Tiny cut 6: My age came up – “oh, I thought you were younger than that!”

Tiny cut 7: He was critical of my long-standing practice of veganism: “just try a bite of lengua” “Are you vegan because of something dumb, like you don’t want to kill animals?”

Tiny cut 8: Even after 10 years of living in Seattle and none of my friends approving, I am loyal to my Bay Area teams. Some of my earliest memories are of my dad listening to 49ers games on the radio in the 80s. I went to school with Joe Montana’s daughter for a bit, and saw Steve Young on the street once, just walking with his son.

He didn’t buy it. “Come to a game with me and I’ll make you a Seahawks fan.”

Tiny cut 9: He kept asking me to get a beer with him, so I agreed to an after work beer on a Tuesday. We meet at a bar near work that everyone talks about a lot as a coworker happy hour bar, but when I get there he’s sitting at a small table and it has a date vibe.

Tiny cut 10: “Here’s why I asked you here today: you can do so much more than communications. You could be a technical project manager. You would make more money and make much more of an impact.”

So here I am, sitting across from this dude who barely knows me, who isn’t even a decade older than me, giving me career advice, 10 years into my career. A 42-year-old man unsolicitedly trying to mentor a 34-year-old woman.

I know tech. I grew up in Silicon Valley and used to trick or treat at Steve Jobs’ house. That’s right: Mr. iPod himself has personally given me candy.

I know math and science. My dad is a medical doctor and electrical engineer, and my parents pushed math and science on me from day one. Lots of tears shed over everything from multiplication tables to AB calculus. My mom has told me she wishes I had been a doctor like my dad.

I chose communications because I like storytelling, because it’s what’s best for me.

Further, I have a Master of Communication from a large, respected university. We’re connected on LinkedIn and have had conversations about all of this, so he could know this if he saw me as an actual person instead of someone in need of rescuing.

My boss currently reports to the president of said division, who reports to the CEO of said company, so even though I am low (so very low) on the corporate ladder in terms of income and respect, I am pretty high on the corporate org chart.

An email announcing this had gone out to everyone in the division (including him) literally the day before. It was basically the first thing I said when I sat down when he asked me how I was doing: my manager’s manager just changed yesterday.

This job he’s pushing? Yeah, I may have made more money, probably, because communications is considered women’s work, which means it inherently has less value, but in no way was this a “better” job.

In fact, project managers are a compensation grade below mine. (I did not know this at the time.)

But hey, it’s fine. I continue to brush it off.

Tiny cut 11: He tells me about a woman who, like me, didn’t think she could work in tech, but he convinced her to get a job as a project manager and now she’s thriving.

“I can put you in touch with her.”

I’ll consider it, why not? At the very least, I said, she would make a really interesting person to profile, especially since women in tech is such a hot topic.

“No, I don’t want to see her in one of your stories.”

Fine. But he wouldn’t just put me in touch with her.

“You wait 72 hours, and if you’re still interested, I’ll put you in touch with her.”

So he’s dangling this contact in front of me, this potential career, but wants to make sure I really want it. That I truly desire his help. And he’s going to be upset if I use this lead for my actual job, because my actual job is pointless, and that was not what he wanted from this.

Tiny cut 12: He clearly had this idea of who he thought I am that does not vibe at all with my actual identity. At one point I said I would probably get into a fight if I went to a Seahawks game and he had this sort of stunned look – “no, no I can’t see you doing that at all.”

Tiny cut 13: I had a couple more beers because I am terrible at exits and didn’t want to make things weird and maybe more beer will make it better?, and he asked me questions about my boyfriend. When we’re going to get married. “Do you think your boyfriend would like me?”

Tiny cut 14: What married man with a wife and two children in grade school stays out for three hours after work with a female colleague?

And this part didn’t bother me (he’s married, he has kids, I know he’s had sex at some point in his life) but at one point, he was like, “when I started in tech, it was all just a bunch of virgins.” I GET IT BRO, YOU FUCK.

Also, he paid.

Tiny cut 15: I came in to work on Wednesday feeling a little hungover and a lot icky. He messaged me making casual conversation.

Girl. Again, I am 34 years old.

On Thursday, I had a preplanned work from home day because it was game day and my commute takes me by the stadium.

Tiny cut 16: More Seahawks, via Slack: 

Gross?

“You would look happy and cute.” I turned off Slack, the tool my coworkers use to communicate and get work done, for the rest of the day.

I had my weekly touch base with my manager that afternoon, and wanted to tell her that this dude was creeping me out while we were on video chat. But I didn’t.

We hung up, I thought about it more, and messaged her that there was this guy (I didn’t give her his name) and that I felt like I should tell her about it in case anything escalated.

“Do you think he wants a threesome?” she joked.

She told me that since he wasn’t in my direct line of report or even in my group, that I should just ignore him if I didn’t feel comfortable telling him how I felt.

I imagined how that hypothetical conversation with him would go: “you think I’m interested in you? I’m a married father of two! I was just trying to help! You sure are full of yourself! I thought you were cool!”

So I’ve been ignoring him.

That’s fine, but I have to go to his building sometimes and it makes me so anxious. I’ve started to think about him when I am getting ready for work in the morning, and find myself getting angry as I drive into the parking garage.

I’m nervous about running into him whenever I go out to lunch or walk through the lobby. I almost skipped our holiday party, but decided not to because a) it’s a big company and b) he doesn’t get to win.

I’ve been doing this my whole life, so am puzzled as to why this experience has creeped me out in such a visceral way. I think I’m just angry whenever I’m reminded that the patriarchy considers me a second-class citizen.

It’s not like this is the first dude who has met me once and started messaging me immediately after. This happened repeatedly when I was more involved in activist causes, but it’s happened a few times at work too.

He’s not the first man who has disrespected my career choices; I had someone fall asleep and start snoring on a conference call years ago. Communications is one of those jobs that everyone thinks they can do, until they actually have to do it.

He’s not the first dude who has seen me as some sort of protege; I’ve had older me treating me like their daughter since I was in my 20s, and a pal my own age had a mental breakdown and messaged me every day for a year because (again, mental breakdown) he thought he was an agent working with the governments of 20 nations and I was his pupil to be tutored in his ways.

He’s not the first man who has made me feel uncomfortable at work; I was interviewing a VP in my group for a podcast, and he got more candid with his family situation than I felt was appropriate (so much that I called his resignation 9 months in advance) and angry when I diplomatically brought up whether there were any topics that we needed to be sensitive to in light of recent layoffs. “I didn’t fire them, so it was the easiest firing ever!”

He’s not the first dude that has questioned my sports fandom. I was wearing my Steve Young jersey and a bartender asked me where Steve went to college. BYU, but why do I have to prove I know this?

He’s not the first dude whose problematic behavior I’ve brushed off. It’s not the first time I’ve responded “haha yeah” instead of “that’s not appropriate.”

He and I only ended up hanging out three times, and it sometimes can that that long to truly judge someone’s character.

Still, I’m mad at myself for continuing conversations when I didn’t want to. I’m mad at myself for not just saying “no.” I’m mad at getting a second, and then a third, beer that night.

And I’m ashamed because the conclusion I’ve come to is that the real reason I am so put off by this all (other than the fact that it happened at work, the place I need to be in order to live) is that he is incredibly physically unattractive, just the textbook definition of repulsive ugly.

Though this certainly doesn’t excuse his behavior. And I’d certainly still be pissed, even if he were handsome.

Anyone who manipulates you by flattery, doesn’t respect your longtime choices, gaslights you into thinking something is your fault, withholds information so that you need them, or patronizes you is not your friend.

So, here are my new rules for myself:

1. I will insist on paying for my share in professional settings, even if the other person insists, and will be very firm on this.
2. I will not have one-on-one drinks with male colleagues unless I know them really, really well.
3. I will say NO. We don’t owe anyone anything, and I need to remember this. As MFM would say, “fuck politeness.”
4. I will trust my gut.

Also, I bought a fake wedding ring off Etsy and am going to start wearing it whenever I am not with my boyfriend. I hate buying into the patriarchy like this, to go along with the notion that a woman is only off limits if she belongs to a man, but I’m just so tired of fighting it.

When issues facing women in tech come up at work, I become upset. Why is it up to us to figure this all out when men’s behavior goes unchecked? Women in tech isn’t just a “pipeline” problem – how we’re treated in the workplace drives us away.

So for the dudes: Be. Better.

Read up on microaggressions in the workplace. Being a true ally to women means listening, amplifying our voices, publicly supporting us, including us in “the conversation,” and giving us projects with substance, no matter our role.

Don’t comment on our appearance, or what we would or do look good in.

Never scrutinize our bodies, even the non-sexual parts. Obviously don’t look at our boobs or our butts, but also don’t ask about our tattoos. We didn’t get them for you, and don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Don’t assume that because we’re being nice to you, we’re into it. Women are socially conditioned to be agreeable, to assume the best, and to shrug it all off. We know that if we aren’t, it can have disastrous consequences for our careers and well-being.

Finally, we are not girls: we are grown. ass. women.

We know our shit. Stop treating us like it.

And stop underestimating how much we like sports.

first image by Lesly Juarez; second image by me.

The holidays can feel like an endless period of consumerist hell.

They are.

But it’s fun to give gifts, and your friends and family will disown you if you don’t.

With Christmas on December 25 and Hanukkah running December 2 – 10 this year, gear up for a long December.

One thing is for certain: DO NOT SUPPORT AMAZON.

And definitely don’t buy anyone a DNA kit.

Or a puppy. (unless you’re buying one for me. I accept.)

Need ideas? Not JCVD’s got you.

Buy

Pottery

Pottery by Osa

I love Pottery by Osa‘s ceramics – she makes amazing mugs, planters, and other functional pottery (and some purely decorative things!) out of terra cotta, with cool line work and rich opaque colors.

Jessica Faulk

How gorgeous is this mug from Jessica Faulk? All of her stuff is inspired by nature and beautiful. She even has a boobie cup (hehehehehhe) that benefits Planned Parenthood, so she’s clearly talented AND rad.

Jewelry

Adriana Soto

Adriana Soto crafts Southwest-inspired jewelry out of metal, crystal, and stone. I get tons of compliments whenever I wear one of her pieces, and, more importantly, feel like an art teacher or cool aunt.

Epicene Creative

Another pair of earrings that I constantly am complimented on: my triangle statement earrings from Epicene Creative. But really, all the stuff from this local (to me) shop is great.

Pins Collective

HOW RAD IS THIS PIN THAT YOU CAN PROGRAM WITH YOUR FAVORITE GIF??? (Which is pronounced ‘JIF,’ and you can leave my blog if you disagree).

My friend Benny has one of these, and it’s like the coolest thing, which is no surprise because he is, like, a very cool dude.

Seriously. He’s from San Diego and works for a start-up and used to play in bands. His girlfriend is one of those skinny people who doesn’t need to diet or workout AND she’s naturally blonde. That’s how cool Benny is.

Clothes

Nooworks

Have you ever walked into a hip party that you had no business being at and had the cool, 5-10-years-younger-than-you artist doing aerials say to you, “I like your jumpsuit! Nooworks!” And then she later changes into her own Nooworks jumpsuit and nods knowingly as she walks by?

Nooworks: not just an outfit but an experience. You can’t go wrong with anything on their site for a femme in your life.

Plus Nooworks is woman-owned, woman-run, and made in the USA.

Amour Vert

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bp7rkQdgquG/

Have you figured out yet that this is also a list of things that I own/would love to receive? Yes. It’s true. I covet this sweatshirt from SF brand Amour Vert. It’s cozy, but also a cute way to look effortlessly put together.

And it’s perfect for work! I mean, yeah, I work at a tech company. My coworkers literally wear ratty hoodies with our logo on it every day. And I do too. But I would like to look less like a grubby tech worker because I do communications, and my competitors dress well.

But, honestly, all of their stuff makes great casual or not so casual work attire.

Wood

Collin Garrity

I think I started following Collin Garrity because of his pottery tools, but he makes a bunch of other great stuff that would make excellent gifts for everyone in your family. Like your mom who loves single-use kitchen tools. Or your dad who’s into old-school gaming. Or your brother who needs some decorating help.

Embroidery

Siren’s Song Stitchery

How cute is this embroidery hoop art from Siren’s Song Stitchery?? I have one of Stephanie’s pieces (Barbie with a kitten, because cats, DUH) hanging in my Fun Basement and it makes me smile whenever I walk by. YOU’LL smile knowing that you’re supporting a small woman-run business.

Makeup

There are a ton of great vegan/cruelty-free cosmetics out there. Here are a few options, with a blanket statement: be sure to check out Logical Harmony to make sure what you’re buying wasn’t tested on cute little bunnies or puppies!! The E.L.F. eyeshadow palette Tashina shares here is fantastic for a teen or a budget. I’m a huge fan of Milk for minimal, easy to apply #normcore glamour, and Sugarpill‘s high-intensity products for when I’m feeling spicy. My makeup routine is LAZY, and I find these are an easy way to spice it up.

Vegan leather goods

Matt and Nat

Mom need a new purse? Dad need a new wallet? Brother need a belt? Sister need a diaper bag? Fido need a leash? Do you need a new pair of boots while you’re at it?

Matt and Nat has your back. Literally. Because, you know, they also have backpacks.

Make

I’m all about easy. I majored in sloth at Lazy University and got my master’s at I Don’t Care State, where I taught Apathy 101.

So, if I’m endorsing something, it needs to be something you can complete in a brief spurt of inspiration.

Food & drink

Limoncello

Do your friends like booze? Limoncello is super simple to make!! And it looks really pretty and yellow in a clear glass bottle.

You just need time – get a batch going now and you’ll be ready for the holidays.

Thrift some cute bottles or buy them from Cost Plus or something.

Chocolate-dipped peppermint sticks

Are you lazy? I’m lazy! What’s easier the dipping something in something and calling it a day? Nothing. Do you need a recipe? Probably not, but here’s one anyhow.

Sew

Spoonflower

Got a sewing machine? Spoonflower has a ton of easy to sew options, like this super simple and ahhhdorable stocking from Heidi Kenney. Or this cute cat pillow! Or this cute cat tea towel! Or this zombie cat coin purse! (Coiiiiiiiiiiiiiins)

Of course, if you’re feeling really motivated, you can always take it further and make a quilt or some clothes outta all the amazing fabric! Ahhhhh look at this! And this! And this! Pizza blanket!!!

Potholder

Got some scraps lying around? You can make a potholder!! It’s seriously a super easy and quick project, and your friends and family can never have enough of these things in the kitchen – the second-degree burn healing on my right hand confirms this.

Stuffed animal

Is Hugh not the cutest manatee you’ve ever seen?? I’m sure a kid in your life would love to cuddle with this buddy! Yeah. Kid. Not a grown-ass adult woman. Nope.

Knit

Easy mittens

Martha knows – everyone loves mittens! I once made a pair of mittens for my dad that were a) so warm that he rarely is able to wear them in California, and b) took FOREVER!!! This mittens pattern produces a pair that are cute, easy, and rustic for men, women, and children.

Consider using acrylic yarn or another alternative to wool.

More stuffed animals

I’m halfway through making this knit bunny for a friend’s kid and it’s been super easy so far. Yes, you need to be able to knit in the round on double pointed needles (easy) and be able to count (hard), but lookit how cute – perfect for a wittle wabbit wover in your life.

Don’t forget about kitty

Oh yes. DIY Cat tent! Or just give her a cardboard box. That’s all she really wants, anyhow.

Alright kiddies, listen up.

Do I have a story for you. A cautionary tale, if you will.

It’s not my story, per se, but in many ways it is.

Okay. Enough build up.

My mom is one of six children. Raised in a very small Midwestern American town, a town so small that it’s not even really a town but a hamlet.

Her mom was a Mennonite, taken out of school to tend the farm at 14.

Her dad was a French Canadian farm boy, spiritual but not religious.

I have no idea how they met, in their late teens, but they did. There’s a photo of them with some dogs from around then, and they look really happy, not just holding-dogs-happy.

They settle down on 80 acres in this tiny hamlet and start popping out babies. My grandma has three by the time she’s 26.

The first baby has asthma, so my grandma spends a lot of time with him at the town, errr, hamlet, doctor.

My grandpa is gone a lot, getting work wherever he can in the post-WWII midwest.

Three more babies come, including my mom.

So poor are they that their two-bedroom house doesn’t even have an indoor toilet. The family poops in an outhouse until 1959.

My grandpa works in a factory, and grandma flips burgers in a bowling alley.

Anyhow, flash forward to the present, minus a few years. Not to bum you out, but grandma and grandpa are both very, very dead.

It’s May, 2016. I’m sitting with three wonderful friends on the porch at one of their houses. It’s a balmy spring day. We’ve just cooked a nice brunch, and are on our second round of mimosas. We’re about to go to IKEA.

I get a text from my mom: the results of the ancestry test I bought her for her birthday are in, and she’s… 50% Ashkenazi.

“Like, Jewish?” I write.

So we spend the next couple of months trying to figure this out.

Was the test wrong?

Did grandma’s family convert from Judaism to Mennonite…ism?

“Maybe it was the doctor,” jokes my one uncle.

Wouldn’t it be funny if the one Jewish person in town was my mom’s biological dad?

My one uncle takes the test. No Ashkenazi heritage.

I take the test. 20%.

There’s a feature you can use to connect with DNA relatives, but my mom doesn’t want to use it. She knows, but doesn’t want to know the specifics yet.

But I do. I google the doctor, and find his daughter on Facebook. I am a master stalker.

Her profile photo is a picture of her when she was 17. She’s a year older than my mom. They went to school together. They know each other, and do not like each other. How did no one notice that they were FREAKING IDENTICAL at that age?

So obviously, my mom’s biological dad was the town doctor. Her siblings are all half siblings, and she’s got another half-sibling to boot. (And likely, another, as it turns out.)

We’ve confirmed it through the DNA settings. Her bio father, also very dead, confessed it to her half sister when her mom died.

Like I said, my uncle had asthma. I don’t know what the treatments were for asthma in the late 40s, but grandma took him to the doctor a lot. Maybe they fell in love, maybe he traded goods for services (wink), we’ll never know. Everyone is dead, very dead.

They say that family is what you make of it, and that’s very true.

But they also don’t tell you what it’s like to find out you aren’t who you think you are. There are a lot of conversations and memories and anger and questions and various emotions.

It’s weird. It’s hard.

It’s hard even when it’s not your dad.

It’s still kinda hard years after the fact.

My mom’s always been different from her siblings. “Black sheep” isn’t the right term, because you don’t typically use that phrase to describe people who are smarter or more talented than everyone else in the family. <paints nails emoji>

As her kids, raised in communist Northern California, visiting once a year, we were always different than our cousins, too. Outsiders.

I wanted so badly to belong when I was younger, and this news confirmed that I would never be one of them.

Of course, all of this happened before the 2016 election, and you can perhaps guess (being in the rural Midwest) which way my family leaned.

Frankly, I don’t want to belong any more.

I’ve cut off most contact with them, which was hella cathartic. If they want to reconnect, it will be on my terms, something it’s never been in the past.

So here are the lessons:

1. DNA tests can be a great way to connect with your heritage, but be careful what you wish for. You might be surprised by the results, and, just like hepatitis, there are no take-backsies. Also, you probably aren’t Cherokee.
2. As Hannibal Lector said in one of the greatest movies ever, “if you lie, I’ll know it.” DNA don’t lie, motherfuckers!!
3. DNA isn’t family and family isn’t DNA, but family is confusing and weird either way.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Wedding season is almost upon us, and maybe you’ve been asked to give a speech or toast at one.

No big deal. Just the biggest day of your best friend’s/college roommate’s/weird cousin who doesn’t have that many friends’ life.

You will soon need to stand in front of dozens-to-hundreds of people, in a venue that costs more than some Midwestern houses, and convince everyone that this marriage is based on wuv, twue wuv and will last way more than 6 months, AUNT LINDA.

Daunting.

Never fear: I’ve given a few wedding toasts in my day, so am basically an expert.

Okay, I’ve given two, but I crushed both of them.

I follow a specific pattern:

1. First third of speech: Set the context, but in a way that centers the person who asked you to give the toast. You’re there to make your friend or relative look good. How do you know this person? Why are you qualified to be standing up in front of all these people, cutting into valuable open bar time? Then, talk about how special your friend is. Tell a story or anecdote illustrating their good qualities, but don’t get too weird or give TMI. Sure, Jennifer is fun, but Brad’s grandma doesn’t need to know about the time she drank too much and threw up on a busboy, even if you still laugh about it to this day.
2. Second third of speech: Talk about the couple. Maybe you want to share a sweet story of how you found out about your friend’s new love. Maybe you want to talk about the other person’s good qualities. Under no circumstance do you mention either of their past loves or lack thereof – yeah, James dated a lot of losers and John was probably going to die alone until they met, but know one needs to be reminded of that now.
3. Last third of speech: the mushy stuff. This is where you bring it all home, and become the favorite of the daughter or son’s friends. Talk about how much they’ve demonstrated they care about each other; give specific evidence of how you’ve seen it in action. Wish them well, say some mushy words, give them advice on marriage if you have any (I sure as hell don’t), and end with a cheers.

Mic drop, hugs and kisses all around, parents of the groom corner you to tell you how amazing you are.

See? Easy!!

You don’t have to follow this formula, but it works.

However, you should definitely, definitely keep in mind the following regardless of the direction you take.

DON’T: Talk too long. Keep it short. Like, 5 minutes? I dunno.

DO: Google how to give a great speech.

DON’T: Say in your speech that you Googled how to give a great speech. I went to one wedding where literally everyone giving a toast did this. Except for me, because I learned from their mistakes. And crushed it.

DO: Memorize your toast. Write talking points or a quote on notecards, but don’t stare at your phone or a print-out.

DON’T: Wing it. Practice makes perfect. Practice in the shower, in front of a mirror, to your cat, to your partner, whatever. Just practice. This is the most expensive important day of your friends’s life: you owe them a rehearsed speech.

DO: Make last-minute updates based on the wedding ceremony or venue, if needed.

DON’T: include inside jokes. Inside jokes are for the bachelorette/bachelor party. This speech is for the crowd.

DO: Have ONE drink, if it will loosen you up. If you don’t want to drink, don’t drink. I don’t care.

DON’T: Drink too much before your toast. No one likes a sloppy toast, and everyone remembers it. The open bar will still be there afterwards, and if it’s not an open bar, why are you friends with such cheap people??

DO: Toast with white wine or a clear liquid. Champagne is extra classy. At my BFF’s wedding, the Best Man toasted with red wine, and, long story short, do you know how hard it is to get red wine out of a wedding dress? Impossible.

DON’T: Make it about yourself.

DO: Make the couple look good.

DON’T: try to force funny if you’re not funny. You either got the funny or you don’t.

DO: Read other resources. I like:

• Shop Girl Daily: How to give a wedding toast
• Cosmo: 15 things not to do during a wedding toast

DON’T: Stress. You’ve got this.

I stole all these images from Buzzfeed.

Timothee Chalamet and Armie Hammer

Margot Robbie

Allison Janney

Chelsea Peretti and Jordan Peele

Sandra Bullock

Jennifer Lawrence

Meryl Streep

Tiffany Haddish

Chadwick Boseman

Zendaya

Gal Gadot

Tom Holland

Allison Williams

Salma Hayek

Octavia Spencer

Ashley Judd and Mira Sorvino

Taraji P. Henson

Mahershala Ali

THIS LOOK IS PERFECT. Timothee Ski Chalet, this is how you pull off monochrome red carpet goodness. Mahershala doesn’t even need a goddamned tie to ooze eveningwear elegance.

 Jennifer Garner

Maya Rudolph

Helen Mirren

Jane Fonda

Daniel Kaluuya

Milton ‘Lil Rel’ Howery and Bradley Whitford

Betty Gabriel

Holy shit, it’s hipster James Bond and his beautiful hipster Bond Girl. 007 thumbs up on this look.

St. Vincent

Not entirely sure why an Olympic figure skater is at the Olympics of movies, but DAMN. Adam is hot, this outfit is wonderfully weird and a little dark, and the world needs more of this. I don’t get it, but it’s not for me.

Mirai Nagasu

WHAT ARE YOU RUINING A PERFECTLY GOOD SUIT WITH A GRAY SHIRT, CHRISTOPER.

Janet Mock

Don’t love it, don’t hate it. Mostly don’t love it.

Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos

Another wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen and YES!!! This is like super sexy Red Cross nurse cosplay. I want her to treat my fever.

Sharon R. Friedrick and Richard Jenkins

Sara Haines

Sara doesn’t think her future daughter-in-law is good enough for her son, and wants everyone at the wedding to know she still has great calves. She WILL shine at the mother-groom dance.

Michael Strahan

Did they move the Oscars to Vegas and not tell me?? I don’t know who this is, but her one sleeve is longer than her skirt. NO.

 Doug Jones

Is this the guy who plays all the monsters? He cleans up pretty nicely for someone who’s usually in a fish suit or has eyeballs on his hands, but, like, there’s nothing interesting about a black tux.

UNTIL NEXT YEAR!