I didn’t watch the 2018 Oscars but I have thoughts on the fashion

I stole all these images from Buzzfeed.

Timothee Chalamet and Armie Hammer

I immensely dislike Timothee’s ill fitting ivory-on-white ensemble (at the very least, the bow tie should have been ivory!) that washes out his fair skin, but am loving the mod boots with the cropped pant.

Armie’s look really does it for me (pleased to see velvet as a trend in suiting this year), but I wish he had played it up a little with the shoes. Go big or go home, Armie.

Nicole Kidman

New! Awards Show Barbie! I mean that in a 100% positive way: the long, center-parted bleached hair, the heart-shaped bodice, the pointy heels, the structured, manufactured look. The sapphire satin pops against her alabaster complexion, and the giant bow gives her va-va-voom hips. I love that she kept the jewelry simple with the blingy earrings.

Update: people actually hate this look?? Why? Is it because it’s Nicole Kidman? She’s not usually my awards show fave either, but credit where credit is due.

Mary J. Blige

Okay, I’m not super into the asymmetric bodice or her RFID wallet purse, but Mary’s Something About Mary hairdo is edgy and chic. Also, her nails are gilded talons, the best sort of talon.

Margot Robbie

Designer: here’s your plain white dress, Margo

Margo: I dunno, it’s the oscars, needs to be a little more festive

Designer: say no more

Designer: *hot glues on a Christmas garland.*

Like, what can I say – it seems appropriate for a movie centered on tacky DIY fashion, errr, ice skating.

Allison Janney

I like the oversized bow and cute ankle-length hemline on Saoirse’s dress, plus the contrasting edginess of her dark roots, but overall this look isn’t doing it for me. It’s just kinda blah. Light pink goes nicely with her rosy skin tone, but it’s unremarkable and feels like it’s been done before, in a Gwenyth Paltrow’s pink dress way. Plus the boob darts on her bodice are authentically 90s (in a bad way) and all I can think is nippllllllle.

Chelsea Peretti and Jordan Peele

See, Timothee Chamalet – this is how you wear ivory-on-white! The eggplant velvet (yessssssss moar velvet! MOAR!) brings out Chelsea’s blue eyes and the draping is super figure-flattering. They look like they’re going to each get a very nice steak after the ceremony.

Greta Gerwig

So, yellow is, like, my color, and it can be really tricky for a lot of pale people to pull off. Greta nails it with the matte lip and pink flowers, but did she buy that necklace at Claire’s? Again, I get that maybe the Lady Bird ladies going for a 90s thing, but the 90s honestly weren’t really a great era for fashion. Sorry.

Sandra Bullock

Sandra Bullock is one of the 0.01% of humanity who can pull off a center part with flat-ironed hair and still look stunning. You can never go wrong with black and gold sequins, and she’s smart enough to wear a dress long enough that no one can judge her shoes. Is the purse red or just reflecting the red carpet? I don’t know, and I don’t care!

Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer: I want a dress that will work equally for the Hunger Games and an awards show.

Designer: say no more.

Meryl Streep

Huh, I would think that someone as rich as Meryl would not need to shop at Target, or could afford a tailor instead of having to belt it. My bad!

Tiffany Haddish

While other stars went afrofuturistic, Tiffany went traditional for the red carpet. She is Eritrean royalty here, and has the tiara to prove it. Love love love.

Emma Stone

We get it, Emma – you’ve been to the Oscars a few times.

Chadwick Boseman

OMG. Everything about this look is Afrofuturism perfection, from the embroidered jacket to the collar to the pointy boots and silver zipper.

It’s rare that a dude doesn’t wear a tux to the Oscars, and it’s even rarer to rock it like Chadwick. *chef kissing fingers.gif*

Zendaya

This look wasn’t really doing it for me until I noticed the ruffled edge of the hem and suddenly I was 110% sold on Zendaya’s Grecian-with-a-twist frock, weird sleeve and all.

Gal Gadot

Gal: I wear armor in my movie, I want to look like I’m wearing armor at the Osars.

Designer: Say no more.

Viola Davis

Viola is another Oscar Barbie, and I love it!! There’s a 70s disco vibe to this look that really appeals to my vintage soul. I’m not a big fan of the boob stitching (another trend that I thought had died out) but everything from the handle of her clutch to oversized hoops is amazing.

Lupita Nyong’o and Danai Gurira

You can never go wrong with dressing like an Oscar, to the Oscars. It is well documented that Lupita seemingly cannot make a bad fashion decision (though in fairness she could wear a garbage bag and somehow make it look high fashion), and this dress is no exception. The beading, the illusion of a strap on her left side, the draping of the fabric over her hip, the GOLD.

And AAAAAHHHHH I JUST NOTICED HER EARRINGS!

Danai plays it safe. Her dress fits her body really nicely and I like the bodice a lot, but overall she lets her accessories do the talking. I adore the little bit of bling on the side of her head.

Tom Holland

Tom’s suit is tailored so perfectly, and his shoes are so dapper. But no one, and I mean no one, looks good in double-breasted suit. Sorry Tom.

Allison Williams

IS ALLISON WILLIAMS DEAD?? SERIOUSLY. DID SHE ACTUALLY DIE IN ‘GET OUT’??

Salma Hayek

So the chain in her cleavage is suuuuuuper hot, as are the bedazzled epaulettes. I’m not a huge fan of the tiered skirt and Disney princess fabric, but the more I look at this ensemble, the more it grows on me.

Emily Blunt

I hate everything about this. It allllmost is so bad it’s good, but, no, it’s just bad.

Octavia Spencer

This is overall a solid look. And a solid dress! Get it? Because it’s a solid color! I like that it’s an almost-black green, and while it’s safe, is still very elegant and timeless, and the draping and pleats keep it more interesting than it appears at first glance. Nicely done, Octavia.

Gina Rodriguez

Gina is abiding by the two rules of the Red Carpet here: if you can’t decide what to wear 1) wear gold and 2) make it as big as possible. I would have picked a different belt, but, technically speaking, this ensemble is good.

Ashley Judd and Mira Sorvino

Ladies. You are both so hot and talented. You don’t need to get your Oscars dresses at Macy’s.

Taraji P. Henson

DAMN, LADY. Taraji is smoking. Minimal jewelry, minimal shoes, minimal hair, because her body is the star of the show. LOVE.

Mahershala Ali

THIS LOOK IS PERFECT. Timothee Ski Chalet, this is how you pull off monochrome red carpet goodness. Mahershala doesn’t even need a goddamned tie to ooze eveningwear elegance.

Jennifer Garner

I mean, it’s Jennifer Garner. Like, it’s pretty, but there’s nothing really special about this look. Also, the direction of the strap gives the illusion that her boobs are off center. (Nothing wrong with that.)

Maya Rudolph

Hi, it’s me, Maya, your kooky, lovable aunt. I’m an artist in Taos. My work is maybe a little too vaginal for THE MAN, but I let you smoke weed, right? Umm, don’t tell your mom about the weed. Our little secret. *wink*

Basically I 100% approve of this look. Maya is not here for the male gaze. Yes, Maya. Yes.

Helen Mirren

HOW ARE YOU SO HOT AND PERFECT, HELEN. Gah, I’m positive that I would hate this look on anyone else, but the steely blue with her grey hair and mauve lip works SO WELL. She goes close to overboard with the bling, but because the dress is so simple and the gems coordinate so well, she manages to grab on to the railing before being tossed to her watery grave. Well done, Helen, well done.

Jane Fonda

What’s up with the black name tag? Sorry, Jane, I don’t have a minute to talk about our Lord and Savior. Is Bob Mackie really LDS approved? I guess you could fit an undershirt under that gown.

Daniel Kaluuya

Daniel’s look is just two elbow patches away from sexy professor. It allllllmost works, and I give him points for trying, but I’m not into the two-toned suit or the too-short trousers.

Milton ‘Lil Rel’ Howery and Bradley Whitford

THIS IS HOW YOU DRESS FOR THE OSCARS, DUDES. Lil Rel’s navy suit works so well with the black shirt and his glorious skin tone, while Bradley classes it up ever so slightly with the black velvet. Bradley is a cool dad who definitely would have voted for Obama for a third term, and Lil Rey can frisk me at TSA any time.

Betty Gabriel

While I’m a little worried that her boobies will GET OUT (j/k, double-sided tape is an amazing thing, I just wanted to use A PUN), I love the contrast between traditional brocade and skirt volume with the down-to-there cleavage. Also, the shoulder epaulettes!! Her dress says so much that her hair just has to wave and look pretty. Dang.

Lakeith Stanfield

OMG. I love the navy blue tux as a refreshing alternative to black and a classy alternative to powder blue, and while Lakeith isn’t the only one to rock on the red carpet, his subtle flair (those buttons! That pin!) and perfect tailoring make it work better than any competitors.

Sam Rockwell and Leslie Bibb

Him: too shiny but otherwise it’s a tux.

Her: a little drapey in the bodice but otherwise it’s a pretty black dress.

Me: kinda bored at this point.

Laura Dern

So, like Lupita, Laura can wear anything and she will look amazing. Even white.

Sofia Carson

Okay I don’t know who Sofia is because I’m 33 but apparently she’s a former Disney star? I LOVE the cape. I LOVE the bold red. I LOVE the chic sleek bun. Everything else about the look is meh, but she’s wearing a FREAKIN CAPE. So infinity points to Sofia.

Lin-Manuel Miranda

See Lakeith Standfield, but also Daniel Kaluuya.

Zoey Deutch

Zoe: make me look like Scarlett O’Hara, but modern.

Designer: Whatever you say, Zoe!

Designer: *sews curtains into a dress*

Patrick Stewart and Sunny Ozell

This is a very classic look for both of them. I’m guessing they’ve done this before.

Rita Moreno

I hated this look, minus the skirt, until I read that it’s the dress Rita wore to the Oscars in the 60s. I still hate this look, minus the skirt, but I respect it. It’s like the Condoleezza Rice of gowns.

Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon

Holy shit, it’s hipster James Bond and his beautiful hipster Bond Girl. 007 thumbs up on this look.

St. Vincent

Okay, so St. Vincent is wearing a Grammy’s outfit to the Oscars, but it’s St. Vincent so she gets a pass. Hate the venue, not the game.

Leslie Mann and Judd Apatow

No. Hate everything about this. And I’m probably going to feel like a real asshole about saying that after I learn what Judd’s ribbon stands for.

Adam Rippon

Not entirely sure why an Olympic figure skater is at the Olympics of movies, but DAMN. Adam is hot, this outfit is wonderfully weird and a little dark, and the world needs more of this. I don’t get it, but it’s not for me.

Mirai Nagasu

This is exactly what I picture a figure skater wearing to the Oscars. It’s pretty, airy, and feminine. But where’s the nude netting?? Is that actual chest skin we’re seeing??

Lindsey Vonn

Red carpet? More like red light! That smokey eye, that ruby choker. Lindsey is a wild west sex worker with a heart of girl.

If it weren’t for the Lululemon legging cutouts on the skirt (you can take girl out of the athlete, but you can’t take the athlete out of the girl), this would be my favorite look of the show. It’s sexy, it’s sequiny, it’s fringey, it covers up where it needs to but hugs every curve.

It’s just that goddamn chevron of fishnet on the skirt.

Camila Alves and Matthew McConaughey

Matthew’s look is alright, alright, alright. A predictable review for a predictable outfit.

And Camila is a beautiful ghost bride. A little lipstick would have seriously changed the tone of this look.

Christopher Plummer

WHAT ARE YOU RUINING A PERFECTLY GOOD SUIT WITH A GRAY SHIRT, CHRISTOPER.

Janet Mock

I LOVE A CAPE. Janet’s booty is 100, and the white makes her skin glow. ~~Not into whatever’s on the train, tho. Like, the dress needs something to avoid being a sexy bridal gown, but not sure if that’s it.~~

Update: IT’S THE FABRIC OF THE DRESS ON THE TRAIN!! That totally changes everything. Another glimpse. This is a fine look, Janet. Very fine.

Samara Weaving

Don’t love it, don’t hate it. Mostly don’t love it.

Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos

Does Kelly have spikes on the back of her dress like a stegasaurus?? Did one of her kids design this?

Mark looks good.

Elisabeth Moss

Oooooh Elisabeth, I don’t know about this look. The straps fall off the shoulders awkwardly. The color doesn’t suit your complexion. The clutch is a little little girly.

Oscar Isaac and Elvira Lind

DANG, is there an Oscar for twee-est couple? Because these two would win it, no mistake! It’s retro, it’s modern, it’s everything.

Eiza González

I love this dress from the front. That color yellow is perfect, and looks bangin’ with Eiza’s coloring and the orange lip. BUT, huge but, the straps around the back look more afterparty than main event.

Update: I think I like the rest of the look enough to overlook the straps. SLOW SMOLDER IN MY HEART.

Gael Garcia Bernal

I can’t believe I’m saying something negative about my boyfriend Gael, but while the steely blue works really well for Helen Mirren, it makes Gael’s grey hair all the more prominent, which I don’t think I’m ready for yet.

I’m sorry Gael. Let’s never fight again.

Ansel Elgort and Violetta Komyshan

Ughhhhh Ansel is so cute but the trouser/blazer separates look is woof. Like, using the same material on the lapel of the blazer as his pants would make this work, even thrive, but no.

Her dress looks like something one of my classmates might have worn to senior prom and I graduated high school in 2002 so THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT A GOOD THING.

Wendi McLendon-Covey

I don’t know who this is and her dress is too shiny and green.

Nazanin Mandi and Miguel

BLACK VELVET ON HER. BLACK VELVET ON HIM. Say no more, say no more.

Blanca Blanco

Another wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen and YES!!! This is like super sexy Red Cross nurse cosplay. I want her to treat my fever.

Sharon R. Friedrick and Richard Jenkins

Meh?

Beanie Feldstein

Gradients are not great-eant. I grade-eant it a D.

Whoopi Goldberg

Other than the belt, I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS! Whoopie is a gem in jewel tones.

Danny Glover and Eliane Cavalleiro

Meh, a black tux is a black tux. I was going to make a comment about how Eliane’s dress is really pretty but would have been better in a matte or velvet fabric, but the woman is a freakin’ badass. Eliane – sorry, DOCTOR Cavalleiro – is too busy teaching Racial and Gender Inequalities in Latin America at Leland Freakin’ Stanford Freakin’ University.

Paz Vega

I would have to see this from another angle to judge (the geometric pattern on the underside of the train has a lot of promise), but large floral patterns are generally no one’s friend.

Taura Stinson

I love the earrings, and I love the smoky eye. The voluminous sleeves make what might otherwise be a gorgeous dress look like the garbage bag that only Lupita or Laura could pull off. I loooove the thought behind this (sequins! provocative cut-outs!) but there’s just too much shiny black fabric. Taura has a rockin’ bod, but the bodice looks like someone safety-pinned it together to make it work-appropriate. Set your titties free, Taura!

Andra Day

Andra: make me look like a Renaissance noblewoman.

Designer: On it.

Andy Serkis and Lorraine Ashbourne

I don’t know who they are, and they’re outfits are boring enough that I’m not going to look them up.

Diane Warren

Diane is blazer goals here. I honestly didn’t even notice the full glory of the blazer at first because of the negative space created by the studs and comically large shoulder pads. Like, I legit just thought that she is standing at an angle. The blouse is a little matronly for the rest of the ensemble, but any outfit that can outsmart me in a battle of wits wins in my book. You go, Diane.

Kristin Cavallari and Brad Goreski

I want to hate this, but they look really nerdy and sweet together. I love Brad’s brown velvet blazer (despite breaking the different colored pants rule. What can I say! It works!), and her spun sugar dress is lovely, just lovely. So wholesome. She should play the girl next door on TV or something.

Wait, they’re not a couple?? She’s married to the guy who took Colin Kaepernick’s rightful job as Dolphins QB? He’s a professional stylist?

Dang, had me fooled.

Sara Haines

Sara doesn’t think her future daughter-in-law is good enough for her son, and wants everyone at the wedding to know she still has great calves. She WILL shine at the mother-groom dance.

Michael Strahan

I LOVE THE VELVET TUX. I LOVE THAT IT’S NOT BLACK BUT ALSO A TASTEFUL COLOR. This is a good look.

Maria Menounos

If you’re gonna wear black on the red carpet, make it big, an interesting texture, and and a fun accent. But also if you’re only there to interview people, wear black.

Nancy O’Dell

Did they move the Oscars to Vegas and not tell me?? I don’t know who this is, but her one sleeve is longer than her skirt. NO.

Doug Jones

Is this the guy who plays all the monsters? He cleans up pretty nicely for someone who’s usually in a fish suit or has eyeballs on his hands, but, like, there’s nothing interesting about a black tux.

UNTIL NEXT YEAR!

One thought on “I didn’t watch the 2018 Oscars but I have thoughts on the fashion”

dimsimkitty says:

March 6, 2018 at 6:28 am

I don’t know who a lot of these people are, but this is the only red carpet guide I need. Though I must disagree with you on an important point – 90s fashion was awesome. Perhaps it is that I am three years older than you, and so can reflect the 90s from a clearly more experienced vantage. I would love to show you my collection of chokers, butterfly clips, and slip dresses. 😉
Oh yeah, boob stitching only works if it matches up with your actual boob outline. I eventually discovered that, but boy, did I ever try to make it work.

LikeLike