Wedding season is almost upon us, and maybe you’ve been asked to give a speech or toast at one.
No big deal. Just the biggest day of your best friend’s/college roommate’s/weird cousin who doesn’t have that many friends’ life.
You will soon need to stand in front of dozens-to-hundreds of people, in a venue that costs more than some Midwestern houses, and convince everyone that this marriage is based on wuv, twue wuv and will last way more than 6 months, AUNT LINDA.
Daunting.
Never fear: I’ve given a few wedding toasts in my day, so am basically an expert.
Okay, I’ve given two, but I crushed both of them.
I follow a specific pattern:
- First third of speech: Set the context, but in a way that centers the person who asked you to give the toast. You’re there to make your friend or relative look good. How do you know this person? Why are you qualified to be standing up in front of all these people, cutting into valuable open bar time? Then, talk about how special your friend is. Tell a story or anecdote illustrating their good qualities, but don’t get too weird or give TMI. Sure, Jennifer is fun, but Brad’s grandma doesn’t need to know about the time she drank too much and threw up on a busboy, even if you still laugh about it to this day.
- Second third of speech: Talk about the couple. Maybe you want to share a sweet story of how you found out about your friend’s new love. Maybe you want to talk about the other person’s good qualities. Under no circumstance do you mention either of their past loves or lack thereof – yeah, James dated a lot of losers and John was probably going to die alone until they met, but know one needs to be reminded of that now.
- Last third of speech: the mushy stuff. This is where you bring it all home, and become the favorite of the daughter or son’s friends. Talk about how much they’ve demonstrated they care about each other; give specific evidence of how you’ve seen it in action. Wish them well, say some mushy words, give them advice on marriage if you have any (I sure as hell don’t), and end with a cheers.
Mic drop, hugs and kisses all around, parents of the groom corner you to tell you how amazing you are.
See? Easy!!
You don’t have to follow this formula, but it works.
However, you should definitely, definitely keep in mind the following regardless of the direction you take.
DON’T: Talk too long. Keep it short. Like, 5 minutes? I dunno.
DO: Google how to give a great speech.
DON’T: Say in your speech that you Googled how to give a great speech. I went to one wedding where literally everyone giving a toast did this. Except for me, because I learned from their mistakes. And crushed it.
DO: Memorize your toast. Write talking points or a quote on notecards, but don’t stare at your phone or a print-out.
DON’T: Wing it. Practice makes perfect. Practice in the shower, in front of a mirror, to your cat, to your partner, whatever. Just practice. This is the most expensive important day of your friends’s life: you owe them a rehearsed speech.
DO: Make last-minute updates based on the wedding ceremony or venue, if needed.
DON’T: include inside jokes. Inside jokes are for the bachelorette/bachelor party. This speech is for the crowd.
DO: Have ONE drink, if it will loosen you up. If you don’t want to drink, don’t drink. I don’t care.
DON’T: Drink too much before your toast. No one likes a sloppy toast, and everyone remembers it. The open bar will still be there afterwards, and if it’s not an open bar, why are you friends with such cheap people??
DO: Toast with white wine or a clear liquid. Champagne is extra classy. At my BFF’s wedding, the Best Man toasted with red wine, and, long story short, do you know how hard it is to get red wine out of a wedding dress? Impossible.
DON’T: Make it about yourself.
DO: Make the couple look good.
DON’T: try to force funny if you’re not funny. You either got the funny or you don’t.
DO: Read other resources. I like:
- Shop Girl Daily: How to give a wedding toast
- Cosmo: 15 things not to do during a wedding toast
DON’T: Stress. You’ve got this.
Not Jean-Claude Van Damme. 